Fully Ramblomatic - the blog of Yahtzee Croshaw

Show & Tell Returns

2012-02-11T13:57:00.004+10:00

Yes, that subject line is by no means pulling your pud. Gabriel is back in town (actually he's been back in time for a while but we've been very tired) and he and I recorded yet another horrible podcast together. Sorry, that sentence should probably have ended with an exclamation mark because you're all so excited. Here it is. !

Show & Tell Podcast 3 by yahtzee19

On this podcast we kind of found it impossible to stick to one subject for any length of time (we're trying to think of more disciplined variations to the format) but the starting topics were sunburn, movie novelizations and Fisherman's Friends. The ending topics tended to be too unpleasant to mention, so don't listen to this with your Auntie Pam.

Also, in case you missed it, I talked about Poacher a wee bit in one of my Extra Punctuation columns a while back. Here it is.

Poach And Horses

2012-01-07T16:07:00.004+10:00

Alright, well, remember in the last post from all those months ago when I said I was working on another free game? Well, that's still the case. And here's a trailer I made for it while messing around with VirtualDub, which will suffice as an announcement, I suppose. Maybe watch the video in a resolution larger than this blog's format will allow because it looks a bit shit otherwise.

The game's called Poacher, as can be inferred, it's a Metroidvania-style platformer that's somewhat influenced by Cave Story amongst other games. You play Derek Badger, unflappable Yorkshireman, who stumbles upon a strange underground kingdom and gets caught up in a conflict between two mysterious magical races. I'm making it in Game Maker because current generation technology frightens me.

Sorry, I can't say when it'll be in a fit state for release. As I mentioned I'm waiting on some music, and I also need to get some proper focus testing done (don't volunteer, it's in hand). Also sorry it's not a playable demo. Trust me, I hate game trailers too, but most of this one actually shows gameplay. Sorry, also, for using Times Roman as the font in it. I showed it to someone and they said that was a horrible choice of font but I couldn't be bothered to go back to my source files.

And sorry for not updating for ages again. Rest assured the Mogworld audiobook project still weighs heavy on my mind. Sorry about going quiet on that, too. Basically I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for everything.

Hello There

2011-10-29T08:56:00.003+10:00

Welp, guess it's pretty cocky of me to assume anyone's still checking this blog on a regular basis, but for what it's worth, I haven't forgotten it. Just seems like all I do is post links to new ZPs and XPs on the Escapist, and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense when more people check the Escapist regularly than they do this site. So I'm not going to bother anymore. In future, assume there's a new Zero Punctuation video every Wednesday (Thursday for me) and a new Extra Punctuation column every Tuesday (Wednesday for me, fucking international date line). If there isn't, I am probably already being sued for not fulfilling my contract.

Fact is, I've put off updating this site and doing pretty much anything except my professional obligations because I've had another flare-up of the old depression that's been building up for quite some time. I'm on top of it, though. Don't feel you need to post sympathies because there's nothing more excruciating than people walking on eggshells around - oh, you weren't planning to post sympathies? Oh. Well, good. Good, actually.

Before you close this tab, O bored and inattentive reader, there's a couple of upcoming things on the horizon that may interest you. I've been working on another freeware game. That's a redundant statement because I'm always doing that, but I'm close to finishing one for once.

I'm just waiting on some more testing and some music tracks from the ever-willing Mark Lovegrove, and it won't be long before it's in a releasable state. It's a platform game that I've been making in Game Maker, for want of expanding my knowledge of free game development tools for retards, with a Metroidvania-style explorative sprawl to its nature. I may have dropped hints about it in Extra Punctuation here and there. I'll keep you posted.

The other interesting thing is an update on Mogworld. The digital edition is still pending, for all you people with a really big guilt thing over dead trees, but as I've said before, that one is out of my hands. If you want someone to nag, you'd be better off nagging the publishers Dark Horse directly. Tell them you and all your friends will buy the digital edition and they'll probably make enough money for them to have fresh flowers in the lobby every single day. That might help.

But after a certain amount of nagging on my part Dark Horse have also released to me the audio book rights of Mogworld so that I can record it myself and publish it independently. So, not to put too fine a point on it, I'm going to be doing that. It's just a matter of summoning the effort to do so, which for reasons explored early in this update may be harder than it sounds, but I think if I advertise it here it'll put pressure on me. Also, have to figure out how I'm going to do the chat log bits in spoken form.

So, yay, audio book version of Mogworld coming soon. You'll be able to listen to the text in my dulcet tones while jogging or murdering or whatever you do. It'll probably tide you over until my second novel comes out WHOOPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT

None Too Trivial

2011-08-10T10:20:00.004+10:00

Here we go again because I put off updating for a while:

ZPs: FEAR 3, Ocarina of Time 3D, Call of Juarez: The Cartel
XPs: Oh just go down the archive page

Now, I must apologise for there not being a quiz in the Brisbane Mana Bar this week, because I'm preparing for the inaugural trivia night at Melbourne when I head down to that other city next week.

I've made the details tiresomely clear many times over the last 30 quizzes I've done in Brisbane, but here they are again for you shiny new Melbourne peeps: show up on the night before 7 to register a team of 2 to 6 players. No one-man teams, but if you do show up alone we'll group you up with other people so you make many new friends. There are 4 rounds of 36 questions in all, half of which are gaming related, half of which are general. Also: prizes. Things will be fun.

But if you miss the night (Tuesday, August 16th) and you desperately need to question me on my opinion on Kingdom Hearts or whatever, I'm going to be in Melbourne for the week, and will no doubt be stopping in the bar on several evenings. I'm there for the Freeplay event at the State Library of Victoria, a wonderful festival of independent games and the examination of gaming as culture and all that. I'm taking part in a panel on Sunday the 21st called The Words That We Use in which we'll discuss the importance of criticism and the critical culture around art. There will no doubt be fun to be had. Tickets are on sale for the conference, but there's also going to be a FREE expo with FREE interviews for those of you who aren't committed. Things, too, will be fun.

Mana From Heaven

2011-07-15T07:51:00.003+10:00

ZPs: Infamous 2, Alice: Madness Returns, Shadows of the Damned
XPs: Maturity, Infamous 2 and weapons

Now then, you followers of my storied life who live in Melbourne are probably at least dimly aware now that Mana Bar Melbourne, the second of what will no doubt eventually be a McDonalds-like global chain of video game cocktail bars, is opening this Saturday. Tomorrow, in fact, the 16th of July. The bar opens at 12 noon and, as with the Brisbane bar, there'll be free entry and free games for as many people as we're allowed to squeeze in, which is limited, so you might want to start queueing now. The bar can be found at 336 Brunswick Street. Not the Brunswick Street in Brisbane where the Brisbane Mana Bar is, confusingly, the Brunswick Street in Melbourne, in Fitzroy.

I fly out there mere hours after writing this post so I'll be there on the Saturday with a big box of copies of Mogworld to sell and a big pen for signing them with. Regrettably I won't be there on Sunday, some of us actually have lives to lead, can't waste away all our time getting ratarsed and playing Marvel Vs. Capcom, so if you don't make it on the Saturday you'll have to wait for my next fleeting visit.

Blow & Smell

2011-06-24T09:31:00.003+10:00

Time enough I think for a new podcast:

Show & Tell Podcast 2 by yahtzee19

This one was recorded a while back and I've been sitting on it for various reasons, hence dated references to E3 and LA Noire, but now it can finally wing its wicked way into your ear sockets. In this, the second podcast officially termed Show & Tell, Gabriel and I discuss the merits of sandbox gameplay, pulp literature and heavy drinking, while arguing over how the format's supposed to work.

I've also invested a little in the hosting provider in order to allow unlimited downloads, so feel free to go nuts. This project is now officially operating at a loss.

Also, trivia night on Monday (the 27th) at the Mana Bar as usual. Less gimmicks this time!

ZPs: Witcher 2, Hunted: The Demon's Forge, Duke Nukem Forever (the real one)
XPs: Adventure games, E3 and E3 again

Third The Dirty Donkey

2011-06-10T17:17:00.005+10:00

Attention, regular attendees of Yahtzee's Trivia Night (and non-attendees looking for the excuse to give it a go). We're doing something a little bit weird for this Monday's (the 13th) quiz. As implied by the image below, we're putting a bit of effort into making a really good prize pack, and we're going to give it away to whoever comes third. First and second will still get prize packs, of course, they just won't be as, you know, good.

Why are we doing this? For larks, mainly. Partly it's because I've been keen to experiment with the format lately, partly because while first and second place have a couple of stubborn recurring placements, third place tends to be more of an X-factor. Last time, an all new team won it. Perhaps that will be you, this time?

Oh yes, and just to make this even more of an X-factor, I'm not going to reveal the scores of any teams until the end. You'll only know how well you're doing, and how well whatever the team next to you is doing. That should keep things interesting, shouldn't it.

So come along to the Mana Bar on Monday, June the 13th any time before 7, be you regular or shy experimenting quiz pupae, and bring a team. Or just one other person, but you'd both better be pretty confident with each other's know how. Perhaps a victory could be just what you need to win over your quiz partner into full on mouth kissing, if that's what you've been hanging around them for.

Also: new Show & Tell podcast coming very soon; yes, we remembered to record this one

Ha Ha Whoops

2011-06-07T07:34:00.002+10:00

ZPs: Mortal Kombat, Brink, LA Noire
XPs: Sequels again, finisher porn and TF2

Boy, you would have loved the podcast Gabriel and I vocalised yesterday. I say 'vocalised' rather than 'recorded' because after an hour we noticed that we forgot to get the actual recording device in on the action. Shame. It was a good one. You'd have loved it.

Show & Hell

2011-05-14T08:18:00.005+10:00

ZPs: Portal 2 and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, bizarrely
XPs: Innovation and sequels

But wait! Get ready to spooge yourself stupid because Gabriel and I have recorded another podcast. And this time, we even came up with a format for it. So, may I formally introduce the first official Show & Tell Podcast.

Basically, Gabriel and I both assembled two or three objects without the other knowing, and attempt to discuss them on topic for as long as we reasonably can. In this introductory episode, Gabe questions the role of print in gaming news and totally spergs out over Doctor Who, while my Melbourne adventures somehow segue to the subject of Osama Bin Laden and I bemoan how my neuroses have ruined my danish pastry experiences.

The Show & Tell Podcast 1 by yahtzee19

Well, while you're listening to that I'll also get out of the way the news that Yahtzee's Trivia Night continues to be on alternate Mondays. This Monday, as a matter of fact, May 16th. There's an LA Noire theme for the prizes and the general promise of a somewhat good time with very little browbeating.

Links Awakening

2011-04-30T14:31:00.005+10:00

Alright, gonna be a bit of a linkstorm today. I do have a tendency to not update this blog for weeks, so in case anyone actually still reads it you should know that the best way to get the most up to the minute updates on my shit is to follow my twitter (@yahtzeecroshaw) or just check The Escapist regularly. But whatevs, here's the usual business, the ZPs and XPs since the last update:

ZPs: Yakuza 4, Crysis 2, the 3DS
XPs: 100 percenters, locations, invisibility

For those who liked that podcast between me and Gabriel in the most recent previous update, I should think we will be doing more, but in the meantime there's plenty of podcasty action featuring me to keep you going, because not only did I do one with Mikey Neumann for the Escapist, but I also guested recently once again on the Australian Gamer podcast while I was visiting Yug in Melbourne. Blimey, that's a lot of me talking.

In Mana Bar news, you'll all (ALL) be pleased to know that since you demanded it (or rather, a poll on Facebook indicated that you wouldn't mind), Yahtzee's no-holds-barred video game Trivia Night is moving to alternate Mondays, since the Tuesdays were having to be nudged around a lot for events and suchlike. The first quiz of the new regime will be this coming Monday, the 2nd. Bring a team of 2 to 6 people from 6 o'clock and a good time will be had be all.

Hm. That didn't seem like nearly enough links for a linkstorm. So let's recommend another Let's Play. Lately I've particularly been enjoying Let's Play Assassin's Creed by user Geop, who combines an entertaining commentary of the gameplay with interesting and extremely well-researched history lessons giving a little background to the events of the game. It's still on the SA forum so you might have trouble if you're not a member, but the game's nearly finished now so it should be on the LP archive soon.

Casting a pod

2011-04-13T10:09:00.003+10:00

In case you weren't at trivia night yesterday and missed this, my next trivia night will only be one week away, on Tuesday the 19th, because there's been so much shuffling around lately and we're trying to get back to the regular two week schedule. So it's next week, and the one after that will be back to being two weeks apart.

Now. I've got a lovely surprise for you today. See, I used to quite enjoy recording podcasts with Yug and Matt but now they hardly do that ever, and I've been hankering to do a bit more unscripted stuff, so for those extremely valid reasons I recorded a test podcast with my friend Gabriel, with whom I frequently converse at the Mana Bar.

Now, full disclosure, this didn't exactly turn out to be the sparkling product I'd been hoping for, it does take a while to get going and when we do the subject does tend to stray constantly towards slightly blue areas. We didn't really have a list of topics or anything and I think if I pursued this then we'd definitely need a more defined structure to keep us in check in future. Also, there's a bit of an audio quality issue in that the podcast recorder was on the charger so there's a bit of an electric buzz in the background.

But for whatever it's worth, here's the experimental Yahtzee-Gabriel podcast. Topics include Gabe's recent trip to Japan, my new 3DS, which millionaire we'd most like to fight and the difficulties one encounters when attempting to bum guard dogs.

Yahtzee & Gabriel wreck a big train by yahtzee19

Dukeahontas

2011-04-10T08:18:00.005+10:00

Yes, I can confirm that trivia night at the Mana Bar is this week, the 12th, from 6:30. I've got a poster for it now so there's no backsies.

There's Duke Nukem Forever-related prizes and the usual serving of fun to be had. Also, in an unprecedented move, because of the week delay we will be having the next trivia night one week after this one, not two, so there'll be less of a wait this time for the event that keeps your interest in the world alive.

Anyway, ZP was Pokemon White. XP was about Dragon Age 2 romances. And this week I also did a Q&A thing on Reddit because they told me to and I folded like a coward on an ironing board.

Keeping house

2011-04-03T11:16:00.003+10:00

ZPs thus far: Two Worlds 2, Bulletstorm, Killzone 3, Kirby's Epic Yarn and Dragon Age 2 (phew)
XPs: Hybrids, Let's Plays, regenerating health, the BAFTAs and death.

I've also started doing a co-operative column with other Escapist contributors called Extra Consideration (I guess the Escapist like running with a theme). It started off between me and the two video creators who make a living from ripping me off, James from Extra Credits and Moviebob, but recent instalments have included Shamus Young and Graham Stark. It's like a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen tag team event for massive nerds.

EDIT - I previously mentioned here that there was going to be a trivia night this week, but apparently there actually isn't and some dafties forgot to mention that fact to me, so it'll actually be next Tuesday (the 12th) instead. Coh.

And I also wanted to give some update on an electronic edition of Mogworld. It's definitely on the cards but the question of when it comes about is one that only the publishers Dark Horse can answer, so your efforts would be better spent nagging them than me. They're working on the delivery method. In the meantime, the physical edition hasn't gone anywhere and is still just as available from all good online retailers, and carries a satisfying weight in your hands that an E-Reader lacks.

Now, one of the XP's listed above was talking up the Let's Play thing, which is a circle of internet hobbyists with too much disposable income to spend on recording materials who play games and make videos of them. I have a lot of interest in the practise, so I thought I'd start using this blog to give individual recommendations of good Let's Plays.

So for today's update let me draw attention to the adventures of helloitsdan and lithuanian dad, who never fail to amuse. Mercenaries 2 is probably their magnum opus to date, hosted on their own site unaffiliated with the LP archive, in which the slightly effete Dan attempts to play mother to the slightly reckless Dad and at one point discover the potential of tugboats as assassination methods. The pair are currently up to their elbows in Lost Planet 2 but you'll need Something Awful forums access to investigate that one, you scrub.

Mortal Blow

2011-02-28T11:00:00.003+10:00

So Mortal Kombat (the new one, the reboot that has the same name as the original in another example of that most infuriating practice) has apparently been refused classification in Australia. As everyone should be aware by now, Australia still lacks an R18+ certificate for games and anything that would require it is refused classification and effectively banned. In the past I have frequently expressed my disappointment at this extremely backward and counter-intuitive practice.

But as of now, I am officially done. I give up. You win, Australian censorship. This is the last thing I will ever write about the R18 issue.

Because it has become abundantly clear to me that discussing it, making official complaints and reasonably explaining the entirely logical reasons why the R18 is necessary and its absence makes Australia a worldwide laughing stock, is completely pointless. I and people like me have explained and campaigned until we're blue in the tits. A recent poll showed that the vast majority of the population are in favour of the R18 and the government flat-out recommended that it be introduced.

The reason why we still don't have it is because the final decision rests with the Attorney Generals, who have very clearly demonstrated that their decision is rooted in ignorant personal bias rather than the desires of the majority. In which case, what is the point of being reasonable to people who take pride in their stubborn, pig-ignorant wilful deafness?

But the other reason I'm not going to talk about it again is because it isn't my problem. It'd only be my problem if it in any way stopped games with adult themes being created, and it doesn't. If a game gets RC'ed I will just import it. This almost always works out cheaper anyway because of the insanely high markups games receive in this country.

The people who should have a problem, besides anyone concerned with Australia being perceived as a backward nation, is the parents. Don't misunderstand the issue, breeders: preventing an R18 certificate from being introduced is not preventing adult games from entering the country and corrupting your precious sexcrement. Rather, it encourages importing and pirating, resulting in the game entering the country unregulated and freely available to children of all ages. It also results in the Aliens Vs Predator scenario in which games that deserve R18 certs are given MA15 for the sake of a quiet life, despite being unequivocally adult games.

Yes, this is the same point that has been made time and time again and which will almost certainly be ignored by policy makers just as it always has been, but let me close my involvement in this issue with the main thrust of the argument as emphatic and capitalised as possible. R18 IS NEEDED TO REGULATE THE SALE OF ADULT GAMES AND PREVENT CHILDREN FROM PLAYING THEM. THE ADULT GAMES THAT ARE ALREADY HERE. NOT HAVING R18 DOES NOT PREVENT ADULT GAMES FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY. OPPOSING R18 IS LIKE OPPOSING VAMPIRE HUNTING IN VAMPIRE LAND ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT IT WILL ENCOURAGE VAMPIRES TO INVADE VAMPIRE LAND EVEN THOUGH VAMPIRE LAND IS ALREADY FULL OF VAMPIRES.

ZPs: Dead Space 2, DC Universe, Mindjack
XPs: American box art, Dead Space 2 and levelling backwards.

Trivia night: tomorrow! (Tuesday 29th). It's got Bulletstorm prizes and the usual evening of larks. Come along from 6:30 as usual.

Thrrrrrrrrp

2011-02-06T13:58:00.003+10:00

ZPs un-linked to thus far: Fable 3, Minecraft and A Shadow's Tale. I'd normally link to the XP columns too, but today I think I'll let you track them down yourselves as a fun little exercise.

Last trivia night went off without a hitch, so hopefully it'd be safe to assume this Tuesday's (the 8th) will go off similarly. So here's the poster. Yes, we actually were able to get someone to sponsor this one.

Quiz-ats Haderach

2011-01-22T16:53:00.002+10:00

Alright, this time trivia quiz is DEFINITELY coming back to the Mana Bar this Tuesday, the 25th, the night before Australia Day. Definitely positively no barley cross fingers. So now it has to happen because I've said so. It's going to be the same quiz we never got around to two weeks ago so still themed around the games of 2010. Kick off from 6:30, hope to see you there. THIS time.

ZP: Fable 3. XP: World of Warcraft. That is all.

Floody Hell

2011-01-16T09:35:00.001+10:00

Okay, so trivia night fairly obviously wasn't on last Tuesday because someone upended a giant bucket of water onto Brisbane and everyone had to take time out to wring out their socks. To all those of you concerned about my wellbeing, rest assured I was largely unaffected. My street was in an at-risk area but the water didn't rise high enough. Plus I was on the second floor. So we didn't even have our power cut off and if I hadn't left the house and seen all the sandbags everywhere I probably wouldn't even have noticed. About the only times I was directly affected was when I had to have instant noodles for dinner, and when I had an open grill at a cafe I like and it came with very little salad.

The substantially larger number of you who expressed concern for the wellbeing of the Mana Bar (you unfeeling fucks), it wasn't even in the slightest risk, it's at the top of a hill. We even remained open during the flood's peak, not that many people showed up, but what did we expect. So waste none of your concern on me or my business ventures, there are a lot of people in this city who need your concern more. You can donate to the flood relief fund here. Help Brisbane out now and we'll do backsies if your city ever, I dunno, falls into the centre of the Earth or something. Maybe we'll drop some cold drinks down the sinkhole.

So trivia night (the same trivia night we never got around to doing) will be put off a fortnight, to Tuesday the 25th. We like to keep it to a fortnightly schedule, and Tuesday 18th has already been set aside for the Uwe Boll Movie Marathon, which should be a lot of fun. We'll all sit around and make snarky comments in order to feel superior for once in our petty lives. Do come along from 5.

XP this week was a bonus helping of 2010 retrospective. ZP was World of Warcraft, of all things. That was what I did at Christmas instead of buying people presents.

Quizzle Stick

2011-01-09T08:52:00.004+10:00

Yes, Yahtzee's Trivia Night returns to the Mana Bar on Tuesday the 11th of January, smeared with lipstick and freshly hung over from new year, and that's why it's going to be a special quiz about the games (and some of the events) of 2010. This will be one of the rare occasions when you have a chance to swot up on the subject matter. As always show up at 6:30 for team registration and we kick the fuck off at 7.

ZPs of late: The top and bottom 5 of 2010. Blimey, was that all? Have I actually updated with timeliness for once? Oh, wait, there was that clip show we did over Christmas, too. Blast. And there's an Epic Mickey XP column as well.

Ho Ho Etc

2010-12-26T08:32:00.003+10:00

Blimey, I am being lax in updating this site. It's like I'm incredibly busy with various exciting projects like my second novel for example. Anyway, it's the Christmas season and that means next week will be my traditional week off for the holidays, and there won't be an XP or a ZP, except for a clip show filler episode I think Russ and the lads are putting together. Hope you're all having a lovely time resenting each other.

Anyway, here's all the stuff I haven't linked to yet. XPs: little touches in games and the fun of extravagant gore. ZPs: Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, Epic Mickey and Splatterhouse.

Splatterhouse I want to dwell on for a second, because I want it on record that I don't usually play 'challenge rooms' in games when I'm done with the main story. But in this case, I did. I played the Splatterhouse challenge rooms. Why? Because it unlocked extra pictures of titties. Divided into four scraps and bestowed throughout the course of the battle, and the last scrap would almost always be the one with the actual titties on, the coy sons of bitches. Kudos to Splatterhouse for figuring out my personal carrot and stick.

Now, I know full well that it's easy to find pictures of tits, in fact, on the internet it's hard to get through a day without seeing a least one lovely pair of bouncing judders. But as any sixteen-year-old sweatily bringing a Playboy up to the counter of a newsagent's expecting everyone in the room to suddenly point and start screaming like the guy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers will tell you, titties become considerably more satisfying when you have to work for them.

Throw me a frickin' phone

2010-12-08T14:31:00.004+10:00

Last week there was an XP on why human beings like zombies so much. Here's a quote.

"Few if any of these petty hatreds are rational. They exist because humans can't function without an enemy, something to hate, and indeed to blame for the injustices we believe we suffer. Zombies are a permanent foe. To our "us" they are eternally "them." No redeeming qualities, no moral ambiguity. I guarantee you, in a zombie apocalypse scenario, relationships within the human strongholds will be considerably more courteous than they are now. We'll reserve our hate for those rotting punks outside. They want to eat us for no good reason. What dicks."

This week's XP was a selection of short Iphone (not iPhone, learn how to capitalise properly) game reviews. Here's a quote.

"The Iphone's virtually unique one-touchscreen no-buttons nature also means that games are basically forced to innovate in their controls and design. A lot of publishers have simply tried to port old 2D games like Sonic the Hedgehog or the first Prince of Persia, but they don't translate well to the format. Innovation is what gets rewarded, because if the download charts are anything to go by, there's absolutely no style of gameplay that's guaranteed to sell well. The top 25 contains shooters, physics puzzlers, platformers and whatever the hell you'd classify that Where's Wally thing as."

This was intended to follow on from last week's Zero Punctuation, which was also about Iphone games.

"I don't have a quote for this one because ZP is a video series, you dolts. Click on these words to watch the video."

I know some of you have been a little disappointed by this coverage, and now you know how I feel when faced with most of the half-arsed triple-A releases in the games industry these days. Sue me, I wanted to fill some time while WoW: Cataclysm is making every other publisher too scared to release anything that could possibly compete with it. And I genuinely think Iphone games and other small-scale indie markets are where a lot of the really interesting, cutting-edge innovation stuff is going on, while the massively advanced graphics engines of mainstream gaming produce little but big piles of indigestible overdesigned slop.

Anyway, in other news, those of you still dubious about my debut novel Mogworld's quality may wish to know that the entire first part of the book is being serialised on ABC.net.au's technology section even as we speak. And if you find yourself enjoying that, you should be aware that most critics agree the rest of the book is even better. Have I mentioned that it would make a perfect Christmas gift?

Splatter up

2010-11-27T14:15:00.002+10:00

I don't know what it is about Yug but he's fast becoming obsessed with photoshopping me onto game characters whenever our quiz prizes are themed around a specific game. Look:

Perhaps this is his way of trying to get my attention, the poor shy boy. Anyway, kick off Tuesday at 6:30. Come along.

Somehow relevant headline

2010-11-25T08:33:00.003+10:00

ZPs: Force Unleashed 2 and Call of Duty: Blagops. XPs: Fallout: New Vegas and Force Unleashed 2. I don't know what it is about the number 2 that it seems like the perfect number of weeks to update on. It always seems to be the moment when my apathy runs out.

Anyway, my desk calendar currently says 'do the laundry'. As well as 'Thursday, November 25th', and that means next Tuesday (the 30th) is trivia quiz night at the Mana Bar again, do come along for a piss-up and a brain-up. I do compile all these quizzes myself in my spare time, not that anyone ever thanks me for it.

In other news, the short story I wrote for the Machine of Death anthology, the tantalisingly titled Exhaustion From Having Sex With A Minor (all the stories are named after a death prediction that factors heavily in the story, you see), has now been released in audio book form as a podcast, read by some dildo called Yahtzee Croshaw. Oh wait, that's me. How embarrassing that I just called them a dildo, because that means I'm calling myself a dildo. Christ, I can't do anything right today. Click here to check it out if you're some kind of scrub who can't even summon the effort to download the PDF version, let alone buy a copy.

I'm such a hack

2010-11-11T10:41:00.002+10:00

ZPs: Enslaved and Fallout New Vegas. XPs: Shaky cam and how Enslaved should have been. What, you want fancy graphics and quotes with those? I'm a busy man. Also, trivia night at the Mana Bar returns to its fortnightly schedule with the next one being next Tuesday on the 16th, another little window of colour and amusement in your otherwise grey, depressing lives.

I've been getting reports that Firefox has been reporting my original site (www.fullyramblomatic.com) as an attack site. Indeed, the redirect page appeared to have been hacked and filled with spam links. I've now removed it and put the original back in, and replaced the main index of the old site archive just in case, so hopefully that solves the issue and you can jolly well tell Firefox to stop being such a fussy nanny browser.

And finally, a thought for the day: a 'relationship' occurs when two people run out of things to say to each other, so they shut each other up by putting their genitals in each other's mouths. A break up comes about when they run out of things to do with those, too.

Come one, come all

2010-11-01T19:35:00.003+10:00

It's back on Tuesday, November 2nd! Which is tomorrow, if you're on the right side of the international date line!

I'd Be Obliged To A Sniper Right Now

2010-10-28T10:48:00.003+10:00

Yeah, yeah, neglecting updates, boo hoo. Here are some links to all the ZPs and XPs I haven't mentioned yet.

Machine of Death is now available! It got all the way to the top of the Amazon book charts by simple expedient of getting everyone to buy it on the same day. Why didn't I think of that? Anyway, it's too late to contribute to the sordid Amazon chart manipulation but you should still pick up a copy 'cos it's dead good. And my story's in it.

Speaking of my stories, Mogworld has now officially sold out of its first printing. This is good news for me. Probably less if you're still waiting for a copy, but the second printing should be underway even as I type this. I have spoken to the Dark Horse bods about a digital version and an audiobook, but while lacking any dates I can definitely say they're in the works.

And after an unfortunate bout of illness, and Yug rather obstinately wanting to stay on some mysterious regular schedule known to him alone, Yahtzee's Trivia Night is returning to the Mana Bar next Tuesday (November 2nd) after a solid month of absence. Can't say it hasn't been nice having my weekends free, not having to make a quiz and all, but it's always nice to shout people down from a position of authority, so do show up to join the fun. As always team registration is at 6:30 with kick-off at 7. But you should definitely try to be there as soon after opening time (5pm) as possible, because my musky animal magnetism always seems to fill the place up.

Finally, I asked this on Twitter but no-one seemed to know what I was talking about, so I'm posting it here because it's driving me mad. There's this thing that really good improvisational comedians and actors can do where they appear to be speaking in a specific foreign language but are in fact making up complete gibberish on the spot. The Swedish Chef arguably does it with Swedish. John Cleese does it with German while pretending to be a ranting Hitler in the 'North Minehead by-election' sketch from Monty Python. Danny Kaye's character in The Court Jester does it several times with several languages in a fairly early scene to show off his repertoire. There was a game in Whose Line Is It Anyway called Foreign Film Dub where the cast would speak gibberish that sounded like a particular audience-suggested language. Hopefully this creates a clear image of what I'm talking about that the Twitter character limit prevented.

The thing is, I know there's a special term for this ability but I can't for the life of me remember what it is. It's not pidgin - that's a blend of two languages. It's not glossolalia or xenoglossy, that's just plain old regular gibberish that isn't intended to resemble a particular foreign language. If you know what the term (it might be a two-word term) for this is, please post it in the comments before I eat my own face.

Heir to the duchy of Nukemberland

2010-10-16T06:58:00.003+10:00

This week's ZP was Dead Rising 2.

And XP was about Halo Reach.

"It's adequate, that's all. Mediocre. Halo remains what it has always been to me: strictly rent-only - at best. But in the interest of clarifying my position, here are some more reasons why it didn't set my pants alight."

This concludes the digest of the week. Today (Saturday) is the special Duke Nukem Forever event at the Mana Bar. I've worked out some questions for Randy Pitchford and Steve Gibson for the presentation at around 6pm and personally, I'm quite looking forward to seeing what, exactly, 3D Realms were doing with all that time, besides sticking liquorice twizzlers up their arseholes, then pulling them out and licking them for some illicit sexual thrill.

Cap in hand

2010-10-07T10:11:00.006+10:00

Remember when I said I intended this blog to be a complete and timely digest of everything I put on the internet? Those were fun, innocent days, weren't they. The fact is I'm so burnt out these days from my multitude of creative projects that it's hard to summon the energy. Today alone I have to meet my target for making ZP images, write half of next week's XP column, have a meeting with my fellow Mana Bar directors, write another two pages of the first draft of my second novel, play a decent amount of whatever game I'm reviewing next week and see if I can squeeze in some work on one of my hobby game design projects. And creative writing isn't like data entry where you just knock it out while listening to Smash Mouth on your MP3 player. My brain can only produce so much between meals and caffeine intakes.

But I've just downed my morning cappuccino so hopefully I can get it together long enough to update you on everything I should have mentioned earlier. For example, there's last week's Zero Punctuation, which was for Amnesia: Dark Descent.

Secondly, there was yesterday's Extra Punctuation, which was also for Amnesia: Dark Descent.

"Also, incidentally, Clock Tower 3 contains some of the most spastic character animations I've ever seen in a game. In some cutscenes people throw absolute fits while conversing with each other. It's like they stuck all the motion capture balls on an octopus in an electric chair."

And finally this week's ZP, which was the latest of the serially adequate Halo series, Halo Reach.

There's also something quite exciting going on at the Mana Bar soon, on Saturday the 16th. If I were to say the words 'Randy Pitchford' and the words 'CEO of Gearbox' and also the words 'demoing Duke Nukem Forever for the first time in Australia in a public venue', you might find a subtle hint somewhere in those words as to the nature of the event.

WAKE UP

2010-09-26T08:44:00.003+10:00

Update your damn site, Yahtzee, you lazy cunt. You don't even have to think of anything witty if you're so tired. Fine, last week's ZP was Metroid: Other M. It's shit.

And there was a special bonus video this week I did for the Video Game Voter's Network. It's not shit.

Now leave me alone, I'm having a sleep.

Happy end in

2010-09-22T14:23:00.002+10:00

Some people have already been asking if I'm going to write a sequel to Mogworld. In brief, no. Those of you who have already read the book will know that the ending most definitely does not leave it open for a sequel. You know, when I said these very words on Twitter, some people complained that I was spoiling. So now it's a spoiler to say that a story has an ending? Are we all so bloody postmodern that this is no longer a given?

I am working on my second book, but it's not a sequel to Mogworld. It's going to be somewhat different fare. Still humour-oriented, but less gaming references. I'm trying to spread my wings, alright? There is a link to Mogworld in that it shares a couple of characters, but really it's a completely different story, this time not taking place in a non-existent fantasy realm. Except the standard one that all fiction takes place on, perhaps.

Anyway, speaking of endings, that was the subject of Extra Punctuation this week.

"The ending is important because it's the last thing the audience takes away, and this isn't secret insider storytelling lore, this purports to be common knowledge. Stand-up comedians are always advised to end the set with their best joke. Movie DVD extras will often include an alternative ending, and very rarely an alternative scene from forty-five minutes in. So why, since everyone knows endings are important, have I played so many games with incredibly disappointing endings lately?"

And continuing the theme of endings, here's the end of this update. Bye.

Amazon is run by chimps

2010-09-16T10:00:00.003+10:00

What was this week's Extra Punctuation about? Why, I believe it was about shooters, and one shooter in particular:

"I stand by the point of my joke review, and the point I made more overtly way back in my GDC '08 videos: There is absolutely nothing the developers can put out that will be in the slightest bit worth the wait. The advantage of vaporware, after all, is that you can never be disappointed by it. Hype and anticipation is like Schroedinger's Cat; everything's fine until the subject actually gets released and then the waveform collapses. Nothing can possibly improve upon what your imagination furnishes, with the obvious exception of Silent Hill 2."

And what was this week's Zero Punctuation about? Why, I believe it was about Mafia 2.

Now, Mogworld is doing quite healthily in the world book market, apparently, but a lot of people have been complaining to me about Amazon. Apparently Amazon is still stuck in some kind of incredulous timewarp and doesn't believe that the book's actually been released, and some people are being asked to wait almost unreasonably long periods of time for their copies of Mogworld. The thing is, if you complain to me about it, you are basically complaining to the pig because your sausages were undercooked. I know my name is on the front of the cover in big fat serifed letters, but I've got nothing to do with distribution and sales or anything to do with Amazon. If you are dissatisfied with their service, then complain to them. Repeatedly. With sticks.

Pain and pinch

2010-09-09T09:45:00.002+10:00

You'll no doubt be ecstatic to hear that the Mogworld launch at the Mana Bar went very well. When I left at around 8:30 we'd sold all but 8 of the 100 copies we had in stock, and I'm going to assume forthrightly that the rest all got shifted after I left and people had a few more drinks. The exclusive group of people who now actually possess and have read / are reading Mogworld has grown significantly. When will YOU be joining this elite category?

Anyway, this week's ZP covered the absolutely unforgivably bad Kane & Lynch 2. Whoops! Spoiled it.

Also, here's a link to yesterday's Extra Punctuation, because I forgot. It's about Hideo Kojima and his terrible mistreatment of titties.

"In Metal Gear Solid 1 and 2 women only really existed to die some mawkishly tragic death at some point, with the closest things to romance in the series taking place largely between men, but this is no worse than, say, most action movies. And it's considerably more progressive than a lot of stuff that comes out of Japan, the country where sex crime is the foundation of the entertainment industry."

Feelin' very monochrome today

2010-09-06T10:51:00.003+10:00

That was item one. Here's item two:

Copies of Mogworld will be available to buy from the bar for $12 each, on the night. I'll be there from 5pm. Hopefully that clarifies everything. Now I have to get back to practising my signature.

Worlds of the mog variety

2010-09-02T09:46:00.005+10:00

Can you hear my fingers drumming in anticipation against my IKEA self-assembly writing desk? We are barely days away from the official launch of my debut novel Mogworld, a comic fantasy story about undead mobs in a sophisticated near-future MMORPG gradually realizing the true nature of their world. Also with lots of juicy violence.

And to mark the occasion, the launch party is (predictably) at the Mana Bar next week on Wednesday, September 8th, the official release date of the book and the day after quiz night. Everyone's invited and we're actually going to be selling actual physical actual copies of the actual book, before any other retailer, probably. I'll also be there to sign them (and anything else you feel like bringing in), exponentially increasing their eventual resale value. Plus they're first editions! Double trouble! Come on down at any time after opening (5pm), but move fast! We only have 100 copies in stock, and these things are going to be flying off the shelves so hard they could potentially become embedded in human skulls.

But don't despair if you're one of those fools who haven't done the smart thing and moved to Australia yet: you could be in with a chance of getting a copy of Mogworld even before then! All you have to do is get down to PAX this week, where the Escapist are giving away a limited number of copies to anyone who attends the Escapist Movie Night events, where Escapist videos such as Doraleous & Associates, I Hit It With My Axe and some rubbish called Zero Punctuation are being shown. 25 advance copies are up for grabs, just show up and enter the random draw.

Also, my tireless editor at Dark Horse, Rachel Edidin, is also at PAX, and will have a number of advance copies on her person each day to give away on a first-come, first-served basis, so go up and ask her for one. I'd tell you what she looks like but I've never met her in person. Maybe this could be a fun little detective game for you guys. Here's your first clue: I think she has short hair.

Why, there are so many ways to get a copy of Mogworld, it seems like you'd have to have learning difficulties to not have one in your possession by the end of next week. If all else fails there's always Amazon, I guess.

Oh yeah, and the results of the best Zero Punctuation ever debate are in: Duke Nukem Forever. The only review I've ever done of a game that doesn't actually exist. I really don't get you people sometimes.

Back to reality

2010-08-28T08:34:00.005+10:00

Hello everyone, I'm back from holidays. This may be a little confusing since I clearly stated in my review and column last week that I was on holiday next week. Well, it's not that hard to figure out: I do my videos and columns a week in advance, so I was on holiday at the time last week's stuff was released. There still won't be a video or column next week because at the time I should have been working on them I was lying on a sunbed becoming more red and covered in flaking-off skin than a zombie's used tampon.

Anyway, here are links to last week's stuff. First there's Tuesday's Extra Punctuation, which was about the word 'gamer':

"The point I'm trying to reach is that playing games, as entertaining and fascinating and beneficial as it might be, is just something people do, not something they should be defined by. People don't call themselves moviegoers, or TV watchers, or book readers. That's the job of marketing agencies."

And secondly ZP itself, this week Transformers: War For Cybertron.

Also, you may not have noticed but the Escapist were running in my absence a little competition over which ZP video is the best, perhaps (on an educated guess) to decide what they're going to show instead of a brand new ZP next week. Here's a link to it, because you can still vote to have a chance to win a signed copy of Mogworld! Phew!

Later I may post a fuller account of my trip with some photos I took. If you're very good.

Zero/Punctuation

2010-08-19T04:54:00.001+10:00

This week's ZP is Split Second: Velocity, published by Disney Interactive Studios. I'd say more but I kind of have to fly to Melbourne. Like, now.

The great adventure of publishing

2010-08-18T08:45:00.003+10:00

Some important news about Mogworld (my book coming soon buy it buy it): there's going to be a little postponement on the release date. Nothing to worry about, just some technical cock up at the printers apparently, so we're now looking at an on-sale date of September 8th. And presumably the Mana Bar signing event will be around then too. Update your diaries.

It's cool, the book's still good. At least, I presume so. Maybe the publishers are just telling me this to let me down gently because the book's actually crap. I've been out with girls who used the same tactic.

Anyway, this week's Extra Punctuation is on the subject of exploration as a gameplay mechanic, and continued tongue baths for Shadow of the Colossus. Here's the clip.

"I think the use of exploration for its own merits is something that's been neglected lately. I can think of a lot of open world sandbox games that seem to actively discourage it; the ones with dreary, repetitive environments, a minimap you will spend half the game staring at, and a live GPS system to hold your hand in case the freedom gets a little bit too scary. I'm thinking of you, Red Faction Guerrilla."

A quiz for me and a quiz for you

2010-08-16T11:22:00.004+10:00

Today I've just got a few housekeeping things to sort out. I forgot to link to an interview Tom Francis did of me for PC Gamer, so I'm going to do that now. Here's a clip.

"PC Gamer: Some of your best gags are in the animations – do you do those after you’ve recorded the review? Do you ever make a point specifically for the fun of illustrating it?

Yahtzee: I generally write the script first, then do the images, then record the voice, because sometimes I’ll be making the images and realise a point can’t be easily visualised and I need to reword it a bit. Colourful analogies help. ‘This game controls bad’ doesn’t immediately throw up an image, but ‘this game handles like a stag on an icy lake with its antlers tied to two different windmills’ does."

Other topics include my occasional game development aspirations, my guilty pleasures, and inevitably another plug for my book. Check it out.

Closer to home, we're working on sorting out a signing event for Mogworld to take place at the Mana Bar. It's going to be an event where you can buy copies of the book and get them personally signed and it looks like it's going to take place some time around the end of August. The book's official release is still August 18th (although I hear some Amazon preorders missed the first printing and will have to wait a bit longer), but it may take some time for a stock to finally get to us, plus I'm going on a week's holiday next Saturday. Doing it a bit later might work out better, on reflection, 'cos it'll give people who ordered the book time to get their copies so they can bring them in for signing.

As for signing events elsewhere, none are currently planned. Give me a break, I don't have the kind of lifestyle where I can just drop everything and do an international tour. Maybe for the second book if the first one becomes, you know, global #1 bestseller and ensures I never have to work again. Mm.

Finally, in Mana Bar-related news, I'll be hosting Gaming Trivia Night there again this Tuesday from around 6:30, so feel free to drop in and register a team. Half gaming trivia, half general knowledge, but no half measures where prizes are concerned, I assure you that. Come on down and be a man, or woman, or whatever unnatural combination of the two you are.

Colossal in every sense

2010-08-12T09:21:00.003+10:00

This week's ZP is a retro review because the release schedule is still a bit dried up. Late August is looking a little busy, though, with Mafia 2 and a number of other things. The pre-Christmas period gets here quicker every year, doesn't it. Anyway, enjoy Shadow of the Colossus. I command it.

Artsy fartsy Yahtzee

2010-08-11T07:33:00.002+10:00

It's Wednesday (or Tuesday, from certain, fatter perspectives), and that means it's time for Extra Punctuation. This week, in the aftermath of my Deathspank/Limbo double bill, I discuss the artistic renaissance of 2D platformers about small children with big heads.

"Now, when you're developing a game, an important part - some might say the very first part - is to figure out who, exactly, you're developing the game for, and factor that into your gameplay, story and difficulty level. Lucidity, a 2D platforming thing by LucasArts of all people, appeared to be targeting its gameplay at retro arcade players, its story at 70 year old grandmothers and its difficulty level at self-flagellators."

It also mentions Cave Story, which if you haven't played then you have no excuse for not currently downloading it as we speak.

We are the dead

2010-08-07T07:11:00.006+10:00

Well, it just goes to show, doesn't it. You spend 27 years not getting a single work published in a physical format (save magazine articles but magazines are dead, right, kids) then all of a sudden, two come along at once. Mogworld is my debut novel getting published this month (officially on August 18th, but I've seen quite a few book stores will only be stocking it after the 31st, so order online to get it first), but I've also received word about this:

"After a long year of excitement, disappointment, renewed excitement, continued disappointment, thickheadedness, obstinacy and relief, we are pleased to announce that Machine of Death will be officially released this October by Bearstache Books, the boutique printing arm of Wondermark Enterprises."

Machine of Death is a short story collection set in a world where everyone knows how they're going to die. It was compiled by Ryan North (of Dinosaur Comics), Matthew Bennardo and David Malki (of other things), who sent out a call to all the people in internet land for contributions. And one of the selected short stories was mine. A light little piece about spin and corruption in British politics with a singularly massive ignorance for the actual workings of British politics. I'd submitted it so long ago (pre-ZP, I think) that I'd almost forgotten about it. But now apparently it's coming out.

If you've got some pocket money left over after buying copies of Mogworld for all your friends, family and pets, then I highly recommend you pick up Machine of Death as well. It's got contributions from some of the freshest young talents on the internet. So God knows why they let me in it.

How can I make this clearer

2010-08-06T08:55:00.003+10:00

Here, by popular and almost completely unspoken demand, is a follow-up to my Mogworld Q&A video I did last week. This one clarifies a few points people raised afterwards, such as whether there'll be signing events, whether the book will be available at street retailers, my true feelings about Terry Pratchett and exactly how much I ripped off a popular webcomic.

Just to clarify this clarification, no, Mogworld is almost completely unlike Looking For Group save sharing a source of inspiration. Just trust me on this one.

Rhymes with wank

2010-08-05T09:56:00.002+10:00

I resolved to make this blog a slightly more regular and definitive digest of my work, so to that, here's a link to today's Zero Punctuation, along with a funny image, above. Christ, I am taking this seriously. This week it was an XBLA double bill: Deathspank and Limbo. I hate this time of year.

Crafts of the starry variety

2010-08-04T09:29:00.003+10:00

This week's Extra Punctuation article is up at the Escapist. It's related to Starcraft 2 because I thought I'd better respond on this issue fast. Main thrust of the gib as it were is that I completely don't care. Here's a sample:

"I'm not saying it's bad or an unnecessary sequel, although it could well be both of those things. I'm saying my opinion on StarCraft 2, or indeed any real time strategy game, is about as much use as Roger Ebert's opinion on gaming as a whole. Or Ug the caveman's opinion on the diesel engine. I don't play them. I've never been able to get into them. They're just not my cup of tea. Okay?"

Anyway from there I indulge a little train of thought to try to find the answer of how players of RTS and FPS could perhaps learn to live together in perfect harmony. Click here to read it.

Last night was trivia night at the Mana Bar, and I was surprised that we didn't get the usual massive turnout. Still packed, of course, but not all the way up to the walls like usual. It's probably because it's been three weeks since the last one rather than two and we lost a bit of the momentum. Still, if you've been discouraged by the crowds for these events thus far then you may be in with a better chance of getting in next time, on August 17th.

I heard a story that Guinness once decided to stop advertising. Everybody knew what Guinness was. Everyone who liked and regularly drunk Guinness wouldn't find out anything new about Guinness from TV spots and they were guaranteed sales as long as St. Patrick's Day existed. But you know what happened? Their sales plummeted. Very, very quickly. So next time you complain about adverts on TV or in the cinema or even on my online videos, remember that it wouldn't be necessary if you weren't all such flighty cunts.

Not just a pretty face

2010-07-30T07:17:00.003+10:00

As I've been repeating exhaustively lately my first novel Mogworld is coming out very soon. So I took the opportunity to make a little video answering some burning questions people had about it. Click on the big stupid image below to watch:

It was quite fun to make, perhaps there will be more of these if any more good questions come up. Good questions meaning questions other than 'will there be an audio book version read by you in a very fast voice?' which I'm afraid the entire population of Hilaritytown beat you to.

Flee to the shadows

2010-07-29T14:41:00.000+10:00

Ha! Yes. I've done what I was threatening to do and redirected my personal site to this thing here. Mainly because up until now my system for updating the site was to change each page individually in Frontpage Express and re-upload, and consequently long periods of time would go by when I just couldn't be arsed. But now I've got this thing that's way easier to update and all I have to do is whore myself to a big blue bar along the top with an orange thing.

Doubtless there are people even now feeling the beginnings of a panic attack because some infitesimal thing has became different to how it has been for quite a while. Those people can mainline some cocaine and go back to sleep. I did this for my sake. It's a lot easier to update now. Look, here's a link to this week's Zero Punctuation. See, that was easy. If you honestly liked my old hideous site with all its reams of disorganised crap then there's still a rather obvious link to it on the side right there, along with links to everything else that still matters. Like Mogworld, which you really should buy. Hopefully now I will be considerably more arsed in my regular publishing activities.

Testin' the waters

2010-07-28T17:09:00.001+10:00

This text is here for test purposes. Oh look! Text is here.