Future Snores

Time for another Let's Play with me and Gabriel, in this case, 1989's Future Wars, an early game by Delphine Software (of Another World and Flashback fame) that they probably hoped everyone would have forgotten about by now. Here is a quote from our commentary: "Why, that's the biggest another monkey's butt I've ever seen". Why not try to guess what the context for that was, then watch the video and see how close you were?

So there's that. Also I thought I'd mention something that I've been banging on about at the end of Zero Punctuation for the last few weeks, and that's the planned Escapist Expo in September.

Yes, my colleagues are organising a game convention get-together fun times scenario type thing in the city of Durham, North Carolina, where the Escapist offices are based. I've been there once before after I did the GameX convention a while back but it'll be nice to see how massively it's changed since then. I'll be attending along with Graham and Paul from LRR and MovieBob and several other of my Escapist chums, so this presents American readers an ideal opportunity to hang out, get copies of Mogworld signed or perhaps murder me while I've been foolish enough to make my whereabouts publicly known for a brief period.

It's on the weekend of September 14-16, 2012, and here's the site again with more details. Make a note, assassins.

Hugo Girl

It's Let's Play time again with Gabriel's choice of game being Hugo 2: Whodunit, probably the most forgettable of an already pretty obscure adventure game trilogy. On this occasion I'm experimenting with just throwing up the whole video in one big lump to see if anyone really cares that much.

Jam Packed

Well tickle my nuts, because Dark Horse Books has made the announcement that my second novel, JAM, will be released later this year. With slightly less of a video game focus than my work usually is, JAM is a dark comedy in which a small group of survivors is forced to deal with the one apocalypse no-one saw coming: an infinite, crimson doom that smells strongly of strawberries.

In other book news, the e-version of Mogworld is now available for the Nook and Kobo E-readers. Kindle is apparently still being sorted out, but is in the works. The audio book will also be in the works as soon as I pull my finger out and start recording it, which isn't easy when I seem to get a new round of tonsillitis every bloody month.

Dream A Little Dream (Web)

Here's all four parts of the Dreamweb LP. I released them on Youtube but I wanted to keep the Poacher 1.1 announcement at the top of the blog for a bit. Have you got all the achievements yet? What are you, some kind of Southern poof?

Poach Harder

The updated version of Poacher, version 1.1, is now available! I was originally only going to fix the major bugs but the Escapist were away on Easter holiday for a few days and I figured I might as well use the time to put in some new features. So here's the updated download link (updated on the original post also). And if you need convincing, here's what's new:

- Bug fixes, including the crash caused by using grenades too quick, the right-screen-edge exploit someone helpfully demonstrated on Youtube (sorry if you were having fun with that one), an error that occurs when fighting Rebecca's phantom daddy in the Abyss with only three grenades, and a couple of other minor tweaks. I also made some tweaks to one particular bit in the Great Library that was widdling on a lot of pies. Speaking of making things easier, though:

- NEW FEATURE: Optional easy mode! Well, basically you have 5 health at the start, removing two health upgrades later in the game, so it's more like a 'get settled in mode'. But it does also increase the drop rate of pickups from dead enemies and hopefully that'll be enough. You know. If you're a wuss.

- NEW FEATURE: Customisable keyboard controls! You asked for it, you got it. I didn't want to have to put some big artful menu system for changing the controls, so I hit upon a pleasingly retro idea. There's now a text document in the game folder called controls.txt which the game reads the keyboard controls from, and it's designed so that you can edit it to put in whatever controls you please. But back up the original file before editing and follow the instructions carefully because the game is quite picky about formatting. No support for customising joystick/controller buttons at this point, though. Sorry.

- NEW FEATURE: Achievements! Love them or hate them, they at least give you something to do when you've 100%ed with the secret ending. There are 20 in total to collect and after one playthrough the ones you've yet to unlock will appear on the intro screen. Rest assured that there are no mandatory story achievements besides the ones for beating the game, 'cos too many games just give you an achievement for beating each chapter and I hate that shit.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Save games for the old version will NOT work with 1.1. This is unavoidable, I'm afraid, so you'll have to start the game over. Consider this the opportunity you need to shoot for the secret ending. Haven't found that, yet? Well, here's your hint: the secret ending will only appear for the pure of heart.

That download link again in case you missed it: Poacher version 1.1. Some security software apparently has been spreading ugly rumours about it being malware, but they just get uppity about installers that haven't had the thumbs up from the Man. You trust me, right?

If you're not interested in Poacher because you prefer Cooking Mama or games that will work on a Mac, then there's also a new Let's Play from me and Gabe coming soon. I'm going to go upload it now and edit this post when it's ready. Watch this space!

EDIT: Specifically, watch this space. Preferably in full screen:

Get Poachin'

Poacher 1.1 now available! Download link updated!


So my latest freeware game, Poacher, an unashamedly retro platformer starring stout Yorkshireman Derek Badger and his trusty shotgun, has been released. The download's being hosted by my good chums at the Escapist. Read the news post about it here or just click here to download the installer. Yes, it's an executable you have to download and install onto your PC, remember that?

I'll have a proper page set up for it soon. Until then, feel free to give it a download and let me know what you think. This is the first Game Maker rather than AGS game I've released and perhaps the most overtly gameplay-focussed I've ever done (I've been trying to move more in that direction since Art of Theft), so I'll be interested to know what lessons I can learn. Also it's freeware, so if you hate it you can't demand your money back. Basically what I'm saying is 'aaah don't hit me'.

Alexander The Grape

And here's the second installment of our playthrough of atrocious retro game Alex Kidd in High Tech World. Tune in to see puzzle design that trolls the player so hard their head would turn into a bridge. Also, to watch Gabriel, in his first attempt editing gameplay footage, somehow manage to splice in the final twenty minutes of the game twice. But that's nothing a pair of seasoned giggle merchants like us can't cope with. Keep encouraging him, he needs it at his age.

Alex The Large

In our second retro Let's Play, Gabriel takes the helm and leads me through the lesser known Master System title Alex Kidd In High Tech World. Be encouraging, he's new to this video recording business.

(news on my other projects shouldn't be long, honest)

Eggs On Additional Legs

Aaand here's the second instalment of the egg-cellent adventure that began here. In this concluding half, Dizzy visits Australia, ascends to the heavens (about fifty feet off the ground) and rescues his woman from a profoundly disinterested antagonist.

Ha ha ha. 'Henpecked'. And he's an egg. We could've made a little joke out of that, couldn't we.

Eggs On Legs

Well, while we're waiting for all my various more interesting ventures to bear fruit, here's another thing me and Gabe did.

I haven't done a Let's Play since, ooh, 2007 I think, but the other weekend I recorded a quick playthrough of the first game I remember capturing my imagination in childhood. Then we talked all over it like a pair of bellends. Hope you like it.

Show & Tell Returns

Yes, that subject line is by no means pulling your pud. Gabriel is back in town (actually he's been back in time for a while but we've been very tired) and he and I recorded yet another horrible podcast together. Sorry, that sentence should probably have ended with an exclamation mark because you're all so excited. Here it is. !

Show & Tell Podcast 3 by yahtzee19


On this podcast we kind of found it impossible to stick to one subject for any length of time (we're trying to think of more disciplined variations to the format) but the starting topics were sunburn, movie novelizations and Fisherman's Friends. The ending topics tended to be too unpleasant to mention, so don't listen to this with your Auntie Pam.

Also, in case you missed it, I talked about Poacher a wee bit in one of my Extra Punctuation columns a while back. Here it is.

Poach And Horses

Alright, well, remember in the last post from all those months ago when I said I was working on another free game? Well, that's still the case. And here's a trailer I made for it while messing around with VirtualDub, which will suffice as an announcement, I suppose. Maybe watch the video in a resolution larger than this blog's format will allow because it looks a bit shit otherwise.

The game's called Poacher, as can be inferred, it's a Metroidvania-style platformer that's somewhat influenced by Cave Story amongst other games. You play Derek Badger, unflappable Yorkshireman, who stumbles upon a strange underground kingdom and gets caught up in a conflict between two mysterious magical races. I'm making it in Game Maker because current generation technology frightens me.

Sorry, I can't say when it'll be in a fit state for release. As I mentioned I'm waiting on some music, and I also need to get some proper focus testing done (don't volunteer, it's in hand). Also sorry it's not a playable demo. Trust me, I hate game trailers too, but most of this one actually shows gameplay. Sorry, also, for using Times Roman as the font in it. I showed it to someone and they said that was a horrible choice of font but I couldn't be bothered to go back to my source files.

And sorry for not updating for ages again. Rest assured the Mogworld audiobook project still weighs heavy on my mind. Sorry about going quiet on that, too. Basically I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for everything.

Hello There

Welp, guess it's pretty cocky of me to assume anyone's still checking this blog on a regular basis, but for what it's worth, I haven't forgotten it. Just seems like all I do is post links to new ZPs and XPs on the Escapist, and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense when more people check the Escapist regularly than they do this site. So I'm not going to bother anymore. In future, assume there's a new Zero Punctuation video every Wednesday (Thursday for me) and a new Extra Punctuation column every Tuesday (Wednesday for me, fucking international date line). If there isn't, I am probably already being sued for not fulfilling my contract.

Fact is, I've put off updating this site and doing pretty much anything except my professional obligations because I've had another flare-up of the old depression that's been building up for quite some time. I'm on top of it, though. Don't feel you need to post sympathies because there's nothing more excruciating than people walking on eggshells around - oh, you weren't planning to post sympathies? Oh. Well, good. Good, actually.

Before you close this tab, O bored and inattentive reader, there's a couple of upcoming things on the horizon that may interest you. I've been working on another freeware game. That's a redundant statement because I'm always doing that, but I'm close to finishing one for once.

I'm just waiting on some more testing and some music tracks from the ever-willing Mark Lovegrove, and it won't be long before it's in a releasable state. It's a platform game that I've been making in Game Maker, for want of expanding my knowledge of free game development tools for retards, with a Metroidvania-style explorative sprawl to its nature. I may have dropped hints about it in Extra Punctuation here and there. I'll keep you posted.

The other interesting thing is an update on Mogworld. The digital edition is still pending, for all you people with a really big guilt thing over dead trees, but as I've said before, that one is out of my hands. If you want someone to nag, you'd be better off nagging the publishers Dark Horse directly. Tell them you and all your friends will buy the digital edition and they'll probably make enough money for them to have fresh flowers in the lobby every single day. That might help.

But after a certain amount of nagging on my part Dark Horse have also released to me the audio book rights of Mogworld so that I can record it myself and publish it independently. So, not to put too fine a point on it, I'm going to be doing that. It's just a matter of summoning the effort to do so, which for reasons explored early in this update may be harder than it sounds, but I think if I advertise it here it'll put pressure on me. Also, have to figure out how I'm going to do the chat log bits in spoken form.

So, yay, audio book version of Mogworld coming soon. You'll be able to listen to the text in my dulcet tones while jogging or murdering or whatever you do. It'll probably tide you over until my second novel comes out WHOOPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT

None Too Trivial

Here we go again because I put off updating for a while:

ZPs: FEAR 3, Ocarina of Time 3D, Call of Juarez: The Cartel
XPs: Oh just go down the archive page

Now, I must apologise for there not being a quiz in the Brisbane Mana Bar this week, because I'm preparing for the inaugural trivia night at Melbourne when I head down to that other city next week.


I've made the details tiresomely clear many times over the last 30 quizzes I've done in Brisbane, but here they are again for you shiny new Melbourne peeps: show up on the night before 7 to register a team of 2 to 6 players. No one-man teams, but if you do show up alone we'll group you up with other people so you make many new friends. There are 4 rounds of 36 questions in all, half of which are gaming related, half of which are general. Also: prizes. Things will be fun.

But if you miss the night (Tuesday, August 16th) and you desperately need to question me on my opinion on Kingdom Hearts or whatever, I'm going to be in Melbourne for the week, and will no doubt be stopping in the bar on several evenings. I'm there for the Freeplay event at the State Library of Victoria, a wonderful festival of independent games and the examination of gaming as culture and all that. I'm taking part in a panel on Sunday the 21st called The Words That We Use in which we'll discuss the importance of criticism and the critical culture around art. There will no doubt be fun to be had. Tickets are on sale for the conference, but there's also going to be a FREE expo with FREE interviews for those of you who aren't committed. Things, too, will be fun.

Mana From Heaven

ZPs: Infamous 2, Alice: Madness Returns, Shadows of the Damned
XPs: Maturity, Infamous 2 and weapons

Now then, you followers of my storied life who live in Melbourne are probably at least dimly aware now that Mana Bar Melbourne, the second of what will no doubt eventually be a McDonalds-like global chain of video game cocktail bars, is opening this Saturday. Tomorrow, in fact, the 16th of July. The bar opens at 12 noon and, as with the Brisbane bar, there'll be free entry and free games for as many people as we're allowed to squeeze in, which is limited, so you might want to start queueing now. The bar can be found at 336 Brunswick Street. Not the Brunswick Street in Brisbane where the Brisbane Mana Bar is, confusingly, the Brunswick Street in Melbourne, in Fitzroy.

I fly out there mere hours after writing this post so I'll be there on the Saturday with a big box of copies of Mogworld to sell and a big pen for signing them with. Regrettably I won't be there on Sunday, some of us actually have lives to lead, can't waste away all our time getting ratarsed and playing Marvel Vs. Capcom, so if you don't make it on the Saturday you'll have to wait for my next fleeting visit.

Blow & Smell

Time enough I think for a new podcast:

Show & Tell Podcast 2 by yahtzee19

This one was recorded a while back and I've been sitting on it for various reasons, hence dated references to E3 and LA Noire, but now it can finally wing its wicked way into your ear sockets. In this, the second podcast officially termed Show & Tell, Gabriel and I discuss the merits of sandbox gameplay, pulp literature and heavy drinking, while arguing over how the format's supposed to work.

I've also invested a little in the hosting provider in order to allow unlimited downloads, so feel free to go nuts. This project is now officially operating at a loss.

Also, trivia night on Monday (the 27th) at the Mana Bar as usual. Less gimmicks this time!

ZPs: Witcher 2, Hunted: The Demon's Forge, Duke Nukem Forever (the real one)
XPs: Adventure games, E3 and E3 again

Third The Dirty Donkey

Attention, regular attendees of Yahtzee's Trivia Night (and non-attendees looking for the excuse to give it a go). We're doing something a little bit weird for this Monday's (the 13th) quiz. As implied by the image below, we're putting a bit of effort into making a really good prize pack, and we're going to give it away to whoever comes third. First and second will still get prize packs, of course, they just won't be as, you know, good.


Why are we doing this? For larks, mainly. Partly it's because I've been keen to experiment with the format lately, partly because while first and second place have a couple of stubborn recurring placements, third place tends to be more of an X-factor. Last time, an all new team won it. Perhaps that will be you, this time?

Oh yes, and just to make this even more of an X-factor, I'm not going to reveal the scores of any teams until the end. You'll only know how well you're doing, and how well whatever the team next to you is doing. That should keep things interesting, shouldn't it.

So come along to the Mana Bar on Monday, June the 13th any time before 7, be you regular or shy experimenting quiz pupae, and bring a team. Or just one other person, but you'd both better be pretty confident with each other's know how. Perhaps a victory could be just what you need to win over your quiz partner into full on mouth kissing, if that's what you've been hanging around them for.

Also: new Show & Tell podcast coming very soon; yes, we remembered to record this one

Ha Ha Whoops

ZPs: Mortal Kombat, Brink, LA Noire
XPs: Sequels again, finisher porn and TF2

Boy, you would have loved the podcast Gabriel and I vocalised yesterday. I say 'vocalised' rather than 'recorded' because after an hour we noticed that we forgot to get the actual recording device in on the action. Shame. It was a good one. You'd have loved it.

Show & Hell

ZPs: Portal 2 and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, bizarrely
XPs: Innovation and sequels

But wait! Get ready to spooge yourself stupid because Gabriel and I have recorded another podcast. And this time, we even came up with a format for it. So, may I formally introduce the first official Show & Tell Podcast.

Basically, Gabriel and I both assembled two or three objects without the other knowing, and attempt to discuss them on topic for as long as we reasonably can. In this introductory episode, Gabe questions the role of print in gaming news and totally spergs out over Doctor Who, while my Melbourne adventures somehow segue to the subject of Osama Bin Laden and I bemoan how my neuroses have ruined my danish pastry experiences.

The Show & Tell Podcast 1 by yahtzee19

Well, while you're listening to that I'll also get out of the way the news that Yahtzee's Trivia Night continues to be on alternate Mondays. This Monday, as a matter of fact, May 16th. There's an LA Noire theme for the prizes and the general promise of a somewhat good time with very little browbeating.

Links Awakening

Alright, gonna be a bit of a linkstorm today. I do have a tendency to not update this blog for weeks, so in case anyone actually still reads it you should know that the best way to get the most up to the minute updates on my shit is to follow my twitter (@yahtzeecroshaw) or just check The Escapist regularly. But whatevs, here's the usual business, the ZPs and XPs since the last update:

ZPs: Yakuza 4, Crysis 2, the 3DS
XPs: 100 percenters, locations, invisibility

For those who liked that podcast between me and Gabriel in the most recent previous update, I should think we will be doing more, but in the meantime there's plenty of podcasty action featuring me to keep you going, because not only did I do one with Mikey Neumann for the Escapist, but I also guested recently once again on the Australian Gamer podcast while I was visiting Yug in Melbourne. Blimey, that's a lot of me talking.

In Mana Bar news, you'll all (ALL) be pleased to know that since you demanded it (or rather, a poll on Facebook indicated that you wouldn't mind), Yahtzee's no-holds-barred video game Trivia Night is moving to alternate Mondays, since the Tuesdays were having to be nudged around a lot for events and suchlike. The first quiz of the new regime will be this coming Monday, the 2nd. Bring a team of 2 to 6 people from 6 o'clock and a good time will be had be all.


Hm. That didn't seem like nearly enough links for a linkstorm. So let's recommend another Let's Play. Lately I've particularly been enjoying Let's Play Assassin's Creed by user Geop, who combines an entertaining commentary of the gameplay with interesting and extremely well-researched history lessons giving a little background to the events of the game. It's still on the SA forum so you might have trouble if you're not a member, but the game's nearly finished now so it should be on the LP archive soon.